Being thankful for our differences this Thanksgiving

Putting the election behind us, here are 5 tips for enjoying the holidays despite any differences in politics

I’ve been that family member. The one who argues with loved ones at the holidays. The one who has strong opinions that they feel just shouldn’t be silenced. 

I “came out” as a Democrat to my family at Christmas Dinner in Wichita, Kansas in 2000. Right in the aftermath of the recount, after George W. Bush beat Al Gore.  I was a freshman at the University of Kansas, and a student for Al Gore. 

We were sitting around a long table.  My aunts and uncles, grandparents, and many of their inlaws.  The whole kit and kaboodle together in what was limited time together, to enjoy a meal and share pleasantries.What I shared wasn’t pleasant: George W. Bush would take us to war, I told them.  They should all regret their vote.

It didn’t go over well. (Even though, as it turns out, we did go to war.)  

Not a single family member came to my defense. I was peppered with questions including could I really like Hillary Clinton (who wasn’t on the ballot) and didn’t I know what the Clintons had done to that office. I held my ground. My uncle Mark pulled my dad aside afterwards and said: “Your daughter has balls, Mike.”  I think he meant it as a compliment.  

Fern, the elderly grandmother of my aunt’s husband, was the only one who came to me afterwards and said she too was a Democrat.  She most certainly didn’t share that at the table.

I was pretty lonely that night, frustrated that my family didn’t understand me.  But it didn’t dissuade me from politics.  I would go on to work for Democrats, starting with Kathleen Sebelius in Kansas and rising to the White House with Barack Obama.  (Just imagine the holidays when I would come home from working for the enemy). 

And somehow all these years later I absolutely adore — admire and love — my family for arguing with me, keeping me grounded, and for their unique perspectives. 

*** 

If you have a family that all agrees on politics, or has no drama, that’s incredible.  Raise a glass to you.  Not sure how you did it.  Maybe I need your advice.  But that hasn’t been my experience, and I kind of like it that way. 

With 7 Aunts, 5 Uncles, their spouses, their children, 3 brothers, their spouses, their children, my grandparents, and even lucky enough to know one great grandmother and step great grandparents, there has never been a time in my life I can remember that all of us agreed on everything.  Instead I remember heated debates, like one between my great grandmother and my step great grandmother over whether O.J. Simpson was framed. 

So it’s from that vantage point that ahead of the first post-election Holiday, I thought I would share some things I’ve learned: 

1. You don’t have to talk about it: I can be as righteous as anyone about politics, but something I didn’t really appreciate as an 18-year-old was that instead of arguing I could just not.  I’ve often said that it’s a privilege to even think you could live a life without talking about politics in a democracy.  I know how fundamentally important these things can feel.  And yet I’ve learned over the course of time that I rarely change people’s opinions about politics with a holiday outburst.  A better use of my time during holidays is building relationships, learning about my family members’ plights, playing games (sometimes beating them at dominos).  

2. Remember everybody has their own insecurities: I used to go to family gatherings and feel isolated.  Some family members seemed closer to each other, perhaps because they lived closer to each other, and had more in common.  When you feel like an outsider in your own family, realize that everyone has insecurities and most of the time it’s not about you, it’s about them.  They’re trying to be comfortable.  Go out of your way to be kind and curious.  

3. Do you: Sometimes you need a little reprieve from the holiday.  My husband and I sometimes escape for a coffee or a lunch, just the two of us.  My uncle Michael used to watch whale videos, which inevitably led to people complaining that he was sucking up all the bandwidth in the house. My husband is always quicker to volunteer for a Target or grocery run at this time of year. Whatever can make you more pleasant for the whole, take some time to do that (as long as “doing you” has a limit  — and even better if it has a net positive effect on the whole).  

4. Help out:  I always admired my cousin Jon who would head to the sink after our big family meals to stand for hours and wash dishes.  Others would join in to help. Working together can alleviate the feelings of differences (or pull you out of a debate) and if you keep the conversation light and fun (what shows you’re watching, good escapes, etc.) can be a lot of fun. 

5. Time is limited — remember that: I recently read the book Four Thousand Weeks: Time Management for Mortals. The biggest take away: the average lifespan is only four thousand weeks.  The time we have is precious. We are lucky if we have 60-70 Thanksgiving gatherings we remember well in our lifespan. There aren’t endless memories, but this holiday you’ll get to make more.  Treasure your time together.  Family is imperfect, we can always look for the flaws, but it’s the only family you’ll get.  Try to savor the moments together, appreciating your differences and your similarities. 

*** 

My family gathered the weekend before the election.  It was my grandmother’s birthday.  My dad was so worried that politics would upset the family gathering he asked me how he could ask everyone not to talk about it.  

I sent him a well crafted email he could send en masse.  He never sent it.  Instead he sent individual messages to each family member.  He would send texts about alcohol consumption (each was to pay for their own and be respectful), activities (what meals to expect), random texts about how we can't wait to enjoy each other’s company. 

In one late night UNO game we laughed about the messages.  Most of us felt individually targeted by the texts about alcohol consumption, some of us did talk politics though respectfully and more privately, and when I was asked about it, having seen the Presidency up close I said: It’s amazing to me how many people believe one person will solve all our problems.  It’s far more complex than that.  

When we let down our guard and had fun, some of us stayed up until almost 3 in the morning, laughing and crying and bonding.  Over nothing that had anything to do with Kamala Harris or Donald Trump.  Rather we talked about the loved ones we’ve lost, the people who shaped us, the experiences we had both individually and together. 

It was really nice to just spend time together and enjoy. 

Happy Thanksgiving to you all.  I hope you have a beautiful celebration, however you celebrate.  (And if someone might need this advice to stay civil, you might forward it to them and I promise to anyone who has issues with family members over the election, you won’t solve it at Thanksgiving).